


Feed The Flames 'Cause We Can't Let Go

by drunkicarus



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Feels, Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Episode Tag, Episode: s15e08 Our Father Who Aren't In Heaven, First Kiss, M/M, Purgatory, s15 e08 coda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:55:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21793363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drunkicarus/pseuds/drunkicarus
Summary: He stops briefly, eyes darting behind and searching for shadows that are not there yet, and turns around again with urgency, a hand flying to a firm chest.It’s the first time they touch in weeks.15x08 Coda
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 96





	Feed The Flames 'Cause We Can't Let Go

Purgatory didn’t change in all the years he left it behind.  
It’s the same desolated, smelly wasteland of black trees and disgusting swamps, the same deadly labyrinth hiding traps at every turn and monsters in every shadow.  
He wishes he could say, without any doubt, that he didn’t miss it but Purgatory still is the same three hundred degrees battleground he almost called home for a year, and so he can’t deny it even if the thought fills him with shame.  
He missed the pureness of it, the simplicity of the place. Law of the jungle at his finest, kill or be killed, instinct your only true friend.  
He missed, in some fucked up masochist way the perpetual tension and the bone deep tiredness it brings.  
And he definitely miss how simple life was then. How he knew that Cas would always be there, watching his back without questions.But he stripped himself of that with his bare hands, with his damn anger and words. Life is not simple as it was and he doesn’t know what to do, what to say to make it so. He ruined what they have, like everything else, and he doesn’t even have the force to look the angel in the eyes and acknowledge his errors. And it hurts, it hurts because Cas is not behind him, Cas is ahead, running towards safety with the flower safe in his hands.  
And maybe yes, he didn’t miss Purgatory all that much because Leviathans are after them, chasing them with their big toothy faces and how can they chase them if they don’t have fucking eyes? He never really understood that. But still, Leviathans are behind them, not yet on their asses, and Cas is almost in front of the portal.  
They can do this.  
They really, really can’t do this. Those sons of a bitch can’t reach the portal, can’t see it, know about its existence.  
He knows what must be done and he’s not sorry. Well maybe just a little but someone must do it and it’s not going to be Cas. Not again, not ever again.  
He left him once, whatever the angel might say; he’s not going to do that again, especially after what he said that night in the bunker.  
Up ahead Cas skips to a stop, the angry red tear right behind him, and doesn’t that brings out terrible, agonizing memories by itself? But they don’t have time, not for this, not when he can hear the growls in the trees.

“Go, Cas! I’m coming!” they both know it’s a lie. He can see how those blue eyes darkens with that knowledge, can see how the tension rise in those trench coat clad shoulders. But someone has to do it.

He stops briefly, eyes darting behind and searching for shadows that are not there yet, and turns around again with urgency, a hand flying to a firm chest.  
It’s the first time they touch in weeks.

“Gonna drive them away from the portal and then I’m coming back. You need to go. Now” he pants, shoving a little. Nothing moves, not a single muscle yield.

“Cas –“ before he can finish he’s being shoved, a hand on the front of his shirts driving him against another body. He wants to lean into it but he can’t, not now, not ever.

“We’re going together” there’s steel in Cas’ voice and, under it, slight fear. Dean hears it and his heart clench, his resolve falters. It’s not the moment for this, damn it.  
“Dean – “ he doesn’t think and maybe it’s what is allowing him to not run away in panic. He leans in, gripping Cas’ tie, and brings their lips together.  
It’s tentative, a soft brush of skin, and his brain just stop functioning for what seems like an eternity. It hides earnestness, the need for something more, something always denied but desired with force. It’s not what he wanted or what Cas’ deserve. Hell, what both of them deserved, but then nobody ever gets what they deserve, he now understand it more than ever.  
It’s not even the right moment because he knows what he needs to do and he knows they will not be able to talk about it, but he does it anyways because he doesn’t want regrets, not when this might be the last time he sees him.  
So he memorizes the feeling of those lips on his after all this time and then he moves. Cas’ body is limp against his, full of confusion and something more, and this time yields when he pushes with all his force, the ghost of a whispered _go_ between their lips before he vanishes in the portal, the last thing Dean hears an anguished _“Dean no!”_ while he starts running.

His soul is hurting, his very being is rebelling against what he just done but he buries it deep down, swallows it and push ahead, the fumbling and grumbling behind him too near for his liking. If he wants to survive he can’t think about it now, even if he can still feel the impression of lips on his. His clock beeps the end of the twelve hours they had. He keeps running, trying to find where to hide.  
He has a portal to find and an angel to ask forgiveness to return to.

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language and I don't have a beta.  
> Kudos, comments and notes are really appreciated.


End file.
